MAY I BE ALLOWED CRIB ABOUT THIS LATEST RTE IMBECILITY?

by Kevin Myers, Irish Independent, 11 December 2007

There is more that one can do about the RTE ban on an advertisement which contains the word "crib" than, well, crib: it is also lie back and laugh at the absurdity of it all, before -- that is -- one wakes up to that new dawn which surely lies ahead of us, in which the secular priests of political correctness start wandering around, with their atheistic crosiers in their hands, ready to smite those who say that this is a Christian land whose civilisation is based on Christian principles.

Before that day arrives -- and it is certainly arriving sooner than many expected, with some primary schools already abolishing the crib and the nativity -- let us ponder upon the absurdity and imbecility of the RTE censorship of "crib".

The word simply means a barred animal-feeder, as in manger -- also, no doubt, now to be outlawed by RTE, ie, barred twice over.

The word ?crib? exists in many languages; in German, krippe also means ?cr?che?.

Perhaps the politically-correct language police in RTE might now consider the dangerous implications of that particular word.

For cr?che comes from a Germanic word which actually shares its roots with ?crib?. And what is the primary meaning of cr?che in its parent, French tongue? Why, no less than the infant Jesus in his manger.

So, this pesky little Jesus fellow, he gets everywhere these days. We?re going to have to root him out, not just from the English language, but also from the Irish too.

So not merely must Dia Duit, and its plangent litany of pious invocations involving the Virgin Mary, St Patrick and St Bridget be abolished from RTE advertisements, but so too must the English ?Goodbye? ? which, as you all know, is a corruption of ?God be with you.? Clearly an unacceptably Christian way of wishing someone well.

No doubt we shall have to offer a purely secular farewell, invoking only evolutionary deities and left-liberal, secular pieties: happy genetic mutation!, or, felicitous and non theocratic wishes for the rest of the day!

Alas, this busy Jesus fellow and his acolytes have burrowed deep into the western psyche and its languages: time to wage a crusade against his influence. But of course we can?t, not on RTE, because to say ?crusade? is to invoke a specifically Christian word which describes those who served in the Christian armies to recover the Holy Land. So, no crusades this Christmas holiday. But how can we use either of those two words? What does ?Christmas holiday? contain but the word ?Christ? ? it?s that Jesus fellow again: Jesus Mary and Joseph, he?s everywhere ? and ?holiday?, which comes from the word ?holy?, which derives from the Old High German, heilag meaning, well, holy. And heilag shares its origins with the word ?whole? ? where, homophonically speaking, this whole affair is giving me a pain.

And why not? It is the work of cretins, is it not?

But stay! We cannot even say ?cretin? any more, for it is a corruption of the word ?Christian?, the early Romans who coined the term thinking that those who believed in one God, and who followed the teachings of Jesus Christ, were mere simpletons, with a maudlin belief in the Gospels.

Sorry: got to stop this here and now. The word ?maudlin? is henceforth barred, not least on RTE advertisements, because it derives from the ecclesiastical Latin, ?Magdalena?, from Mary of that name, the female disciple who, with Joanna, and Susanna accompanied that fellow Jesus (again), as ? according to Luke ? ?he went throughout every city and village, preaching and shewing the glad tidings of the kingdom of God.?

So I trust RTE also keeps an eye on any Joannas and Susannas in its advertisements, lest it be suspected of indulging in tawdry displays of Christianity.

Sorry! Got to stop you there again.

The word ?tawdry? is similarly outlawed, coming as it does from ?tawdry lace,? which comes from ?St Audrey?s Lace?, the cheap material which was worn by the faithful poor of Ely in England, of which town St Audrey, or Ethelrida, was patron saint.

So, stap me vittles!, these Christian Johnnies are everywhere!

Born in a crib, or cr?che, two thousand years ago, and still going strong!

Dear me, we?ll have to put a stop to all this, and purge Hiberno- English of all Christianbased words, including place-names.

Killarney, after the church of the sloe: OUT!

Monasterevin, after the church of St Eimhin: OUT!

Termonfeckin, after St Feichin?s sanctuary: OUT!

Dunshaughlin, after the church of Seachlainn: OUT!

And most emphatically of all, Templepatrick, after St Patrick?s Church: OUT!

Here are our two options.

1) We can, according to the diktats of RTE?s advertising commissars and the secularists in our schools, deny our Christian past, our Christian heritage and our Christian beliefs, and maybe even ban St Patrick?s Day.

Which means we can then redesign this country to suit the habits and the beliefs of outsiders who are dissatisfied with what they find here.

Or, 2) That we pronounce this simple acronym to such outsiders who think we should change Ireland according to their requirements: FOBWYCF, the final six letters standing for: Off Back to Where You Came From.

- KEVIN MYERS